Miles Backyard 5k – Race Report

Today I participated in the inaugural and, somewhat uniquely, also the last ever Miles’s Back Garden 5K. The race organisers decided to hold the event for those who had already been on their one government-approved exercise of the day and for some reason felt the need to run another 5K. My reason was the guilt from the staggering amount of Easter chocolate I’d already managed to consume. With an entry field of one, I was quietly confident I could secure a podium place.

The course started from the back door and took a scenic route on a gentle curve past the bins, crossing over some solid tarmac before a sharp downhill technical section I nicknamed “The Steps”. Because it was some steps. From here there was an intermittent mix of loose muddy trails and open pasture, which followed a sweeping curve that I dubbed “Lawnmower Bend”. Because there was lawnmower on the bend. Clearing the pile of recent hedge cuttings, there was a clear view to the crossover point of The Steps in the distance – approximately 6 paces away. Having passed through the crossover once more it was back on tarmac for a dash to the back door to start again. The loop was a tad short for my liking, and the course measurement could only be descried as wildly inaccurate.

I managed to take an early lead after a late entry, Buddy the dog, gave up before The Steps on lap 1 and watched in confusion for a few laps before getting bored and going inside. The loops became monotonous and I lost count after about 6 of them, so loop numbers will be estimates from this point on. Around loop 908 I began to dislike the bins as they showed no encouragement as I passed. On loop 3480 I think I saw a bee. My watch eventually ticked over to 5K around loop 8000. I had managed to maintain first place throughout and secured a podium place. Unfortunately there was no podium so I went inside and sat down.

Anyone who runs more than 5K in a back garden is a psychopath.

By Miles Mortogo